Monday, August 27, 2007

Paralyzed by longing

After an exciting, all expense paid weekend at a state park in Missouri (ok, so actually sitting a conference room all day isn't terribly exciting), I should now have a very good idea of how to go about applying for teaching programs. I intend to apply to Teach for America, and possibly the Mississippi Teacher Corps. I'm less likely to apply to NYC Teaching Fellows. Two months of living and working in NYC was a great life experience but also very overwhelming. New York is wonderful in many ways, but smaller university towns can have thriving cultural scenes and a greater sense of community.

So, I know what I should be doing tonight. My personal statement needs revision. I should contact one of my references tonight by email to make sure he's willing. I should get this stuff over with. If this is my new direction, then my time and resources should be concentrated on doing this before the workload for classes intensifies.

Why am I finding that impossible? If I do this and get in, I will be forced to accept that another path in life is gone forever. Until late June, my plans for life were very different. There was a nice young man who said he wanted to spend his life with me. His plans changed quite suddenly. Actually, his plans for just about every other area of his life changed several times over the past few months, but he insisted that I remained the one constant. Teaching was still my goal, but I was planning to get a teaching degree at my university because he would be here for that year. One day he insisted that "Our plans are too different," claiming that I was uncertain about whether I wanted marriage and children. It was untrue, but he stuck with his decision and refused to offer further explanation. Now, we pass each other in the hallways each day, but he does not speak to me. He seems irked when I attempt to speak to him, or even make eye contact. I know that I must now plan for a life alone, work towards the goals I had been willing to compromise on because I valued him more, but I struggle to get through the days without tears.

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