Friday, January 2, 2009

Go hug someone.

My ex-boyfriend would have been 25 today. He was bright, kind, and wonderful, and what he did was utterly senseless. Everyone insisted there was nothing I could have done because he had so wholly cut me out of his life a year before, but the guilt is still overwhelming today. What if I'd married him back when he'd wanted to, instead of worrying that he was hoping our relationship would provide him with direction when he felt adrift and lonely and that he might come to regret it? Would being there have done any good?

The word from the professors around him his last months was that his life seemed to be going better than it ever had, that he finally had his act together and was growing into the person they'd always hoped he'd become. His parents visited him the weekend before he committed suicide and said he seemed cheerful. There are never going to be any answers, and this will never be ok.

Seriously, go be with people you love while you can.

7 comments:

Sallie's Niece said...

::hugs:: I'm so sorry this happened to you. We can never know why people choose to leave us early in life and as someone who has seen it more than once, I know nothing I can say offers any consolation other than I know what you're going through and don't even think of blaming yourself. Peace.

MLE said...

I read your blog for the first time today, so this was the first entry I saw. Eight years ago, my closest college friend committed suicide. I was out with her the night it happened and found her the next morning after it had happened.

All these years later the thought of what happened still brings me to tears. You don't get over it; you learn how to live with it. I doubt that your boyfriend or my friend fully realized the ramifications of what they were doing -- both for themselves and for those who care about them. I've tried anger, guilt, and grief -- none exactly fits. I think the best we can do is love them still.

Fabulously Broke said...

I'm hugging BF right now!

I hug him every day anyway..

I'm so sorry. But reading MLE's response, I am sure they thought it would have been easier on everyone rather than harder. They had no idea... :(

Fabulously Broke in the City
Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver...

plonkee said...

Whilst feeling guilt is completely normal - the other people are right, it's not your fault. But the whole thing still sucks. I don't know what you're going through but I want to offer my best wishes and thoughts anyway.

I'm appreciating the ones I love as much as I can, even though they're a long way away.

plonkee said...

Whilst feeling guilt is completely normal - the other people are right, it's not your fault. But the whole thing still sucks. I don't know what you're going through but I want to offer my best wishes and thoughts anyway.

I'm appreciating the ones I love as much as I can, even though they're a long way away.

Anonymous said...

You should not feel responsible because I don't think that there is anything that you can do to help it. I also feel that suicide isn't something that people decide to go thru overnight. It is probably something that they've struggled with for a long time. Sometimes, it's just an overwhelming feeling of helplessness that it takes too much effort to go on - not that anything is going wrong, but you feel like you want to resign and check out. If I had to pinpoint any areas in my life where things go wrong, I wouldn't be able to. Loving family & husband (the love is mutual), educated, has a job (still! in this crazy economy), house, no money problems...etc. I'm the one at work where people come to for solutions. I seem outgoing and cheerful and most of the time I am. You'll never be able to guess that I struggle with decisions to continue to live.

Trevor said...

Thanks for the post.

Sometimes I get caught up in things that aren't nearly as important as the people I love most.

I appreciate the reminder.